


i don't wanna let go (i know i'm not that strong)

by kay_bee_cee



Category: 9-1-1 (TV), 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I may be taking this metaphor too far, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Sad Ending, a hurt sandwich, but it's mostly bread, but not in that order, if you will, it's more hurt/comfort/more hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29222616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kay_bee_cee/pseuds/kay_bee_cee
Summary: They find Owen, and finally TK can breathe again. They saved Owen, they survived the forest fires, and in time, they'll bounce back from the loss of Tim. But how long will this reprieve last?Or: a canon-divergent ending to 2x03 in which Owen doesn't make it out so easily
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Grace Ryder & TK Strand (9-1-1 Lone Star), Grace Ryder/Judd Ryder (9-1-1 Lone Star), Judd Ryder & TK Strand, Owen Strand & TK Strand
Comments: 11
Kudos: 57





	i don't wanna let go (i know i'm not that strong)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! After watching 2x03, I couldn't get this alternate version out of my head. So, after three late nights of making myself cry while writing...here we are! I genuinely did not mean to make this so sad. 
> 
> I think the tags already made it pretty clear, so I'm just gonna put the warnings up here. Owen does die, and TK is not in a great place mentally or emotionally. If any of that is a trigger for you, I don't recommend reading this.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy, sorry for the sadness :)

They find Owen, and finally TK can breathe again. The way his heart dropped to his feet at “you haven’t heard”, it was like someone took a right hook to his gut and knocked the wind out of him. He hasn't been able to catch his breath since.

Yelling at De Leon, calling his mom (never has he been so at a loss for words than when Gwen picked up), his and Buck's half-plotted scheme...it's all been one thing after another, a marathon run at the frantic pace of a sprint. His voice is half gone from shouting for his dad, and he’s scarcely stopped moving all day. Add the week of constant work and little sleep, and you’re left with bone-deep exhaustion. All that’s carrying him through at this point is adrenaline and desperation, and he prays that’s enough.

“Guys, over here! Over here!” Marjan screams, and they’re all running, bolting there because slowing down or stopping for just a second could be a second more than Owen and Hen have. They break through the wall, and _dammit_ why is it so dark; they don’t have _time_ for this. Someone shifts behind him, and the light streams into the mineshaft. TK is the first one in, Buck right on his heels. 

“They’re here,” someone yells. Maybe it’s TK; he doesn’t know at this point. All his focus is pinned on the figure laying limply back against the wall, head lolled to the side. He runs over, holding back a curse when he sees that his dad’s eyes are closed. 

No, _no._ They didn’t steal a freaking fire truck to get here too late.

TK’s spewing out random phrases without hearing them, arbitrary promises and pleas as he searches for the carotid to feel for a heart beat. He doesn’t get anything, but it’s dark and his hand is shaking a bit (that has to be the issue, it can’t be the alternative, it can’t), so he readjusts and tries again, and…”I’ve got a pulse!”

His dad is here, and they're both breathing. A sigh of relief escapes as he and Judd pull Owen's arms over their shoulders. 

A few hours later, his dad is awake and in good spirits, chatting with Tommy and thanking, then scolding TK for hijacking the fire truck for their rescue mission. 

(It was worth it)

Owen is getting somewhat stir-crazy as the out-of-state firefighters prepare to leave. Buck and Eddie both stop by to say their farewell, and Owen has to be talked out of walking them back to their truck, because "no, Owen, ‘five whole hours’ is not long enough to fully recover from smoke inhalation, oxygen poisoning, and a traumatic brain injury".

TK, however, is more than able to go see the 118 off, and Paul and Marjan try to convince him to do so. He refuses, though, doesn’t want to leave his dad's side until he knows for sure that he'll be okay.

"Oh, for God's sake, son, go say goodbye," Owen says. "I'll be fine for fifteen minutes unsupervised."

"Not unsupervised," Tommy points out.

"See? I'm in good hands."

“Dad, I--” Owen cuts him off.

“ _Go_ ,” he insists.

“I’ll be right back,” he promises.

"You don't have to hurry," Owen mutters.

"Zip it, old man," TK snarks back. He goes off with the rest of the 126. He glances back at one point, but Judd and Paul all but frog-march him onwards. They find Buck in the end stages of packing up the truck.

They say their goodbyes, and Buck tells him to let him know if he’s ever in LA. TK grins at that, and then tacks on a “just so you know…” because honestly, he can’t tell if the California firefighter is hitting on him, and even if he isn’t, he can’t resist messing with him a bit.

Smirking a little at Buck's sputtering, he sets off back to the medical tent. He bumps into someone on the way.

"TK?" It's the paramedic from Buck's house, Hen.

"Hen!" he says. "Glad to see you're okay!"

"Right as rain," she smiles. "Thanks to you guys. And your dad."

"Thank you," he says earnestly, "for looking out for him. Buck said he was in good hands, and clearly..."

She waves him off. "We looked out for each other. The TNT scheme was all Owen."

TK laughs. "Yeah, I figured that had to be his work."

"He's a bit crazy," Hen says. 

"Yeah, that's...just a bit. Did he give you the 'invincible' line?"

"Oh, that's a whole bit with him? I thought it was the concussion."

"Oh yeah. The man beats lung cancer _one time_ and all of a sudden it’s like he's Superman, you know?" Hell, maybe he is somewhat invincible, TK thinks. At the very least, he’s a hard man to kill, and his son is glad for it.

“Well, it’s a damn good thing this one didn’t get him either,” Hen says. “For him and me.”

“For all of us,” he nods. “We just lost a paramedic, another hit like that and I don’t know what we would’ve done.”

Hen thinks for a moment, then smiles and sets a hand on his shoulder. “I think you guys will be just fine,” she says as she walks away.

TK doesn't know what Owen said to her during the hours they were stuck in the mineshaft, but whatever it was, she seems to know him, know things about him in a way relatively few people did. It makes her words all the more comforting. They saved Owen, they survived the forest fires, and in time, they'll bounce back from the loss of Tim.

He smiles as he walks back to the medical tent. Walking in, he spots his dad asleep yet again. For all his insistence that he was fine, he couldn't stay awake for longer than fifteen minutes. TK couldn't blame him, really. He was about ready to sleep like the dead.

"When'd he pass out again?" he whispers to Tommy. 

"About two minutes after you left," she says. "Your banter wore him out, it looks like."

"I think we're all pretty worn out, after the week we've had."

"Amen to that," Judd says. "Tommy, how long till we can be heading home now?"

She raises an eyebrow. “Last I checked, you guys can leave whenever you want.”

“We’re not going back without Cap,” Judd says. “We didn’t go to all that trouble to just leave him here. Coulda just left him in the mineshaft if we were gonna do that.” He glances at TK. “Too soon?”

The dark-haired firefighter shakes his head. “Yeah, Judd, it’s a little soon.”

“Now, I seem to remember you making your share of ‘I got shot’ jokes pretty darn soon after you woke up.”

“Well yeah, _I_ was the one who _got shot_. That’s totally different,” he argues with a laugh.

“Okay boys,” Tommy cuts in. “If you’re gonna get rowdy, you can go on and get out of my medical tent.”

“Yes ma’am,” Judd drawls, turning to leave and pulling TK with him. “You, I wanna know how long until I can joke about the TNT. I see where you get your dumbass plans from.”

“That reminds me, I want to know who’s dumbass and who’s dumbasser.”

“See, if you have to ask, probably means--”

They’re cut off by a grunt just barely loud enough to be noticeable, but some sort of sixth sense inside of TK tells him that something is _wrong_. He turns around, and sees his father nearly falling off the cot as he convulses.

Tommy and a few other medics immediately flock around the cot, and every fiber of TK’s being wants to run to his father’s side, but Judd’s already got one arm around him, ready to keep him out of the way. He watches, wide-eyed and helpless, as the medics yell out orders and move hurriedly around the cot. It’s chaos, but an orderly sort, various medics yelling what they need, passing things without a word and ducking around each other with a tense focus. There’s a flurry of movement, time passing at a rate TK doesn’t compute, and suddenly they’re moving Owen, and not letting TK follow. 

Somewhere in the frenzy, the 126 has gathered around the tent. They make their way somewhat blankly, like a flock of sheep, to the truck. Four of them climb into the back of the rig, while Marjan flicks the lights and sirens on without a second thought and steers them in whatever direction Tommy had yelled to them as she hurried away.

More meaningless time passes, and they arrive at the hospital. They end up in a huddle of chairs in the waiting area by Owen’s room while the doctors work, wordlessly sitting in shared worry. Marjan has tears trailing down her face, and Mateo looks like a lost puppy. TK just stares down at his hands, letting everything go by in one long blur, trapped in a cruel train of what-ifs in his mind.

He snaps out of it when he hears two pairs of footsteps coming towards them. He finally looks up in case it’s a doctor coming to notify them. Instead, it’s Grace, who squeezes his hand on her way over to Judd, and he notes with relief, Carlos.

TK stands up the second he sees him, all but falling into his arms as soon as he’s within reach. They hold onto each other for a few long moments before TK pulls away, his tear-stained eyes meeting Carlos’s concerned gaze. 

“What’s going on?” his boyfriend asks softly.

“The, uh, the oxygen mask he was breathing from when he was stuck in the mineshaft caused oxygen poisoning.” TK gestures aimlessly. “He was doing well, and then all of a sudden he just collapsed. Seizure. It’s a side effect of too much supplemental oxygen, apparently.”

“I’m so sorry. How’s it looking?”

TK fidgets with the strings of the hoodie he’d thrown on. “We don’t know. Still haven’t heard anything.”

“How are you, Tyler?” Per usual, his heart swells at the use of his first name, a name used only by those closest to him, until he remembers the only other person in Texas who knows that name is lying unconscious down the hall.

“He can’t leave me, Carlos,” he whispers. “I can’t do it if he...he’s the only reason I’m still here. Why I’m not dead in a ditch somewhere or--or high out of my mind right now.”

“Don’t say that…”

“But it's _true_. He saved me. He’s saved me so many times, he doesn’t even know how many. He doesn’t even know… I didn’t--I didn’t tell him, I didn’t say anything, I just _left_ \--” he cuts off with a sob.

“You’ll have plenty of time to tell him,” Carlos says. “And on the off chance you don’t...he knows. Ty, he’s your dad, he knows.”

“I just got him back,” TK rasps brokenly. “We’re supposed to have more time. He didn’t get his life back just to...just to…” Carlos sets an arm around his shoulders, and TK leans into his side as he cries.

Over the next few hours, Tommy goes home to her family, and manages to convince Mateo and Marjan to head home as well. Paul goes off in search of coffee from him, TK, Carlos, and the Ryders. And finally, _finally_ the doctor gives permission for two of them to go in to see Owen. Resting his head against Carlos’s shoulder, one hand holding his dad’s, TK thinks maybe he can get an hour or two of rest while they wait for his dad to wake up. He’s drifting somewhere close to sleep when his attention is caught by a commotion in his dad’s room. He tries not to fear the worst, and then he sees the doctor turn his head towards the door.

“Code!” he yells, and that’s all TK needs to hear before his stomach drops.

The monitors are beeping aggressively, and someone is yelling, and people wearing bright blue scrubs are flooding the room. TK vaguely hears one of them telling him to back up, but he can’t, or won’t, or whatever lies in between. He doesn’t want to let go of his dad’s hand, not yet. Not if it could be the last time. 

The doctor tells him to move again, more or less yelling this time. Someone’s pushing his shoulder back and someone else is pulling him the rest of the way, until he’s standing outside the room with Grace, Judd and Carlos. Everything fades but the jarring din of the monitor by Owen’s bed, and even that reduces to a dull thumping, like the beat of a heart racing (the beat of a heart, heart beats, _his dad’s heart isn’t beating--_ ), and Judd’s saying something, that much he can vaguely register, but he can’t divert enough attention to figure out what. If he shifts his focus, if he looks away, if he _blinks_ he could turn back and his dad will be gone.

One of the doctors is doing chest compressions, stopping every so often while the nurse attempts to get air back into Owen’s lungs, but it’s a futile effort. The crash cart comes in and they shock him, to no avail. More chest compressions. More air. More shocks. The monitor pulses on, rocking TK’s brain, hell, his entire being off its axis with each thud. 

The cycle repeats, the chest compressions restarting, and with one compression there's a sickening crack, like the breaking of a dam as all sound comes rushing back at TK. A rib. They broke one of Owen's ribs with the force of the CPR, hurting him further in a last desperate bid to save him. It's fine, broken ribs heal. Other things...don’t. Shit, he got distracted. They're shocking Owen again.

"300 joules," the doctor yells. "Clear!"

It doesn't work. 

No, no, come on. Come on, come on.

_"He could have given up on me so many times, and he never did."_

Another crack. Another yell. 360 this time.

"Clear!"

Come on, this isn't it, not yet. Come on.

_"He's an impressive guy."_

It's still. Not. _Working_. He's not breathing, the monitor is blaring, a harsh, constant reminder that his dad’s heart _is not beating_.

Is this some kind of sick twist of roles? TK went and fucked up, nearly got himself killed while his dad watched, _twice_ , and now the universe wanted him to know that kind of pain first-hand. Wasn't it enough to be a little kid, a grade schooler, on 9/11, being called down to the front office to hear his mother on the phone, telling him his dad might never be coming home? Or to find out that the fires didn’t kill him, but the aftershocks might? The lung cancer, the cruel surprise lying in wait nineteen years, the fight with the worst odds he’d ever faced, that Owen had _beat_. He’s just gotten his dad back, he’s finally _safe_ , and now _this_. 

A vicious voice in the back of his head tells him he pulled the same trick. Six and a half years sober, survived an overdose, got shot. What, it’s different when it’s him putting Owen through this?

He’s sorry, okay? Is that what the universe needs to hear? That he gets it now, he knows what he did to his dad, how horrible a son he’s been. The point has been made, the lesson learned, and he’s _so sorry_. 

He’ll scream it to the heavens if that’s what it takes. He’s fucking sorry. Can he have his dad back now?

Another yell, more desperate than the last, cuts through his thoughts. “360, again!”

They shock him another time. This is it, right? This is when his dad’s heart starts beating again, this is when TK can _breathe_ again. Owen will shoot up, come back with a bang, like he does. Like the man who smiled through chemotherapy for his sake. The life will come back into his eyes, and he’ll apologize for scaring TK, and they’ll be okay. He’ll come back, because he has to. Because TK isn’t sure he can do this if he doesn’t.

But he doesn’t come back. His heart rate is still flat, his chest unmoving, his face pale and dull and _lifeless._ The doctor steps back, panting, admitting defeat as he stops CPR. 

“You gotta call it,” one of the nurses says. The doctor, still winded, nods.

 _No. No no no no. Dad. Come back. Come back, please._ _Dad_ _. I need you. Please._

He doesn’t realize he’s said this aloud, or that he’s backed himself up step by step into the wall behind him, until he sees Grace staring at him with sad eyes. No, that’s not right. That’s how she looks at Judd when the nightmares get bad. How she looks at Tommy when she talks about missing her daughters. That was the look in her eyes when they all trudged out the firehouse in the middle of a shift after Tim died. She’s not looking at TK like that right now. She’s _not_ , she can’t, because Owen is coming back.

He _is_...isn’t he?

He sees Carlos coming towards him, moving slowly and speaking softly like he’s approaching a scared, wounded animal.

_“He’s an impressive guy.”_

_“He’s my dad.”_

That’s his dad, that’s his father in there, and he knows his father. His father has never once given up a fight in his life, even when he should. Even when TK wished he would. He’s not done fighting now.

“I’m so sorry, TK.” Judd. Carlos has moved beside him, might have an arm around him, TK doesn’t know. Right now he feels like Atlas, the weight of the entire world pushing him back against this wall, sucking the air out of his lungs, pressing and pressing down until he threatens to snap.

The doctor lets out a dejected sigh. “Time of death...02:47.”

TK’s knees hit the floor.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, there it is! Again, I apologize for how depressing that turned out. If you'd like to yell at me for it, my Tumblr is kay-bee-cee and while I don't post much, my DMs and asks are always enthusiastically open, or feel free to comment here. 
> 
> As always, I greatly appreciate everyone who took the time to read this :)


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